Failed Star Wars Toys
1) "Luke in Bactine Tank" A
favorite scene from "Empire" recreated in miniature, complete with a removable
diaper for Luke. Unfortunately, it was found that the glowing bactine wash posed
a radioactive health hazard for tykes.
2) "Missile Hand Luke" Luke doll
with a special lever on his back which causes his artificial hand to shoot off
at 25 mph. Manufacturers recalled it when hands started finding their way into
eyeballs, windpipes, and other orifices.
3) "Exploding Death Star"
Potential radiation burn/shrapnel hazard, which did not keep kids from
recreating the scene with their own "normal" Death Star and a few M-60.
4) "Black Princess Leia" Promoted as competition for Mattel's popular
"Black Disco Barbie"; did not find expected level of popularity.
"Incredible Shavable Han Solo" Sprouted real hair; failed miserably when tested
on real kids.
6) "Dissect An Ewok Kit" The deal was off when Play-doh
pulled out at the last minute.
7) "Nit-laden Chewbacca" Concept behind
this was that kids would enjoy picking nits off of a large, furry Chewbacca.
Didn't do well, since it came with real nits which quickly spread to other parts
of the house.
8) The Ugnaught figures made from Genetically altered
mice. PETA sank that one real quick.
9) Emperor Palpatine Doll/Tesla
Coil. Hey kids, real lightning! Kill your enemies! Nixed due to obvious danger
of children accidentally running up huge power bills.
10) Full scale
working Death Star Kit. Kenner built one fully working model, but it was
destroyed. They were halfway finished with their second when it too was
destroyed. Plans were scrapped to build any more.
11) Darth Vader
Funeral Pyre. They couldn't figure out how to make a character who had been 4
inches tall and thin into a character 2.5 inches tall and fat as a slug once you
removed his helmet. Also a problem with the fact that it only worked once.
12) Aunt Beru doll. Nixed as just plain stupid. A huge loss to those
fans of Bok Choi and blue Kool-aid out there.
13) "Real-Guts" Tauntaun.
Also referred to as "The Visible Tauntaun." Once you pulled off the skin, you
could see all the internal organs. Much like real tauntauns, it stank to high
heaven. Other problem: Like similar toy "The Visible Man," Visible Tauntaun's
organs never went back in right and you were always left with an extra organ or
14) "Learn the Force At Home" Kit. Included self-hypnosis training
tapes and rocks to lift. Recalled after thousands of children with no strong
parental figure turned to the dark side, killing their parents and saying things
like "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and you did not make me the type of
sandwich that I like!" while strangling them from across the room.
"Fun Fusion Grenade." Seen in the exciting throneroom scene in TRofTJ where a
disguised Leia holds it up to bluff out Jabba the Hutt. Problem was, the kids
didn't understand the concept of a fusion grenade and would often actually
detonate it while trying to bluff their parents into extending their bedtime.
16) "Mr. Hutt-Head." A Mr. Potato Head ripoff which had a Jabba body and
a series of switchable heads with the faces of famous fat people. See Rush The
Hutt, Willard The Hutt, John Candy The Hutt, etc. Nixed when famous fat people
got angry at being identified with Pizza Hutt. (they just didn't get it)
17) Dead Admiral Doll. Well, Vader killed so many Admirals in the three
movies that Kenner figured that there should be a doll. Problem was, he couldn't
be posed and would always fall over in a heap. Kids decided they could fake it
with a normal Admiral doll and chose not to purchase this no-spined rubbery
18) Roller Disco Cloud City Worker. Roller Disco went out of
fashion, so the skakes were cut off and the hair removed, and thus the figure
was converted to Lando's Pal Lobot with the weird headphones.
of the Dead Driving Headset. The voice of Ben Kenobi helps You drive around
town. "Watch out for the brown van, Luke!" "The light is about to turn green,
Luke!" Actually a great help for drivers, but failed on the market due to the
fact that not very many people are named Luke, and no one likes a back seat
20) Talking Stormtroopers. Pull a string on their chest and they
would say things like "There's one, set for stun!" or "Look Sir, Droids!" During
production the voiceboxes got switched with talking Barbie. The stormtroopers
ended up saying things like: "Gosh, math is so hard!" and "Let's Go Shopping!"
while Barbie barked out "What do you mean, radiation leak?"
of Radiation Leaks, the best toy of all: The Death Star Detention center.
Eventually it was toned down to two lame rooms in the 4-story death star
playset, but it was originally conceived of as a set all to itself, with rooms
such as "B.S. communications center" where you try to talk your way out of tight
fixes with such lies as "oh, weapons misfire." The hallway of harmless light:
fifty stormtroopers pump bolts of laser fire down the hall where you and your
four friends have no harm done to you, even though you have no cover to speak
of. The best part about the detention center was that it included some cool
dolls: "torture/interrogation droid," "giggling Moff Tarkin doll," and "flayed
flesh Leia," not to mention "stupid gullible guard" doll. Eventually stopped by
Kenner brass who noticed that playtesting kids were getting a little too into
the torture room. Fearful of breeding a generation of Salvadorean Death Squads,
they pulled the plug on this toy.