What if Starfleet Used Windows?
WORF: Captain, there are
three Romulan warships decloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines,
each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, what's wrong
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient
video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a
PICARD: Make it so.
blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects
appear in the centre, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look
more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a
hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir.
picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on
the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits
motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the
Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry,
Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask
you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I
want those shields up *right now*.
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but
I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait
until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails.
Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this
communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information
sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
[There is a tremendous
explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to
the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm,
throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his
console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the
hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up,
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all
phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches
buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the
helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but
I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
Please insert Set-up Implant #1 in my right nostril.
Number One, where do we keep Data's set-up implants?
left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice]
What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you
have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
found, sir. Please insert Set-up Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Set-up Implant #1.
Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several
buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to
one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming
from somewhere else in the ship.]
Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have
a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time
I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk
to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model.
She specialised in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights
all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors,
and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come
on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
PICARD: What's going on?
the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation
in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really
sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of
the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress
materialises on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in
a Macintosh, Captain?