50 Fun Things for Professors to Do
This is a list of fun
things professors can do to for fun on the first day of class.
1. Wear a
hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises
confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced
Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and
carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then
suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question
directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll
have to ask *me*, Winky Willy."
7. If someone asks a question, walk
silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU
like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8. Pick out random students,
ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their
times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."
9. Ask students to
call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown
for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture
implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
"you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all
15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James
Brown's "Sex Machine."
16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if
you gibbering Simps would know," and move on before anyone can
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local
phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a
18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
of you as you pace back and forth.
19. Address students as "worm."
20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin
22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them
to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's
name, rank, and serial number.
24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a
bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's
25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks
a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes.
After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed
27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When
someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions
with your hands.
28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber
29. Growl constantly and address students as
30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite
numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."
31. Announce that last
year's students have almost finished their class projects.
your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays.
Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33. Bring a small dog to
class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever
someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be,
34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you
35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work
in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself
in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use
36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at
37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it
will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office
38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you
39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens
40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial
breaks" every ten minutes.
41. Tell students that you'll fail them if
they cheat on exams or "fake the funk."
42. Announce that you need to
deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer
43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to
44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia
Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1,
Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
45. Ask students to list their
favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in
your grade book.
46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your
nose on your tie.
47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch
48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your
49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students
to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug
I picked up in the field."
50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half,
and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"