Fun Ways to Order a Pizza
1. If
using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person
taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name.
Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order
a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we
never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza
place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7.
Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest
voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have
something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the
conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the
tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15.
Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere
else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask
what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the
receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as
if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air.
If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become
disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to
cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as
toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52
pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation
you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you
know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap
yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make
sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the
first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric
knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they
say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last
syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza
"shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?
When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to
do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place),
start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34.
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When
the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at
the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your
pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37.
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you
like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the
background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the
deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so
you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known
facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl
Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people
call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this
pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should
be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm
through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50.
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I?
Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what
their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order
two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to
properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be
included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call
to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to
tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty
theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's
Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy
who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything,
adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61.
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk
while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to
(Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is
organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66.
Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again,
with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press
9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I
wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70.
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be
my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this
relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the
term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask
that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather
loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order
taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing
toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to
play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to
play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an
even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't
take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79.
Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the
code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your
seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with
meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last
thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to
respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it
is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't
get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that
sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch
pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that
be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a
Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed
to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty.
Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious
swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at
all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background.
Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she
suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the
pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get
taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time
of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the
pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are
rejected by the order taker,
100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last
guy let me do it."