Things That Will Never Happen on Star Trek
1.A red shirt
sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise
birthday party.
2.A red shirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser
shot, arrow, or whatever.
3.McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a
carpenter and NOT a doctor after all."
4.Kirk meets a woman whom he's
known for years but never had sex with.
5.An enigmatic being composed of
pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find
it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
6.Sulu and Chekov get to do
something interesting.
7.Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."
8.Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.
9.A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."
10.Harry
Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.
11.An
android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing
in any way.
12.Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character
lives.
13.The crew of the Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship,
and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.
14.A major character dies and
isn't resurrected.
15.The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a
direct course for some world other than Earth.
16.McCoy says, "He'll
live, Jim."
17.The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp
experience which is in some way unconnected to the late 20th century.
18.Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.
19.Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What
is it, a `Close Encounters' reject???"
20.The captain has to make a
difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal
easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
21.Some of the crew visits the
holodeck and it works properly.
22.Artificial intelligence and android
technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.
23.The
deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
24.The
Enterprise runs into a energy field of a type it has encountered several times
before.
25.A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise,
but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
26.A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and
correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent
engineering staff.
27.The crew of the Enterprise is afflicted by a
mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked
enterprise sick bay.
28.The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally
new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life-form
wearing a funny hat.
29.The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of
scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
30.Picard ignores Troi and
blows the enemy out of the sky, in spite of their "distressed"
feelings.
31.Data figures out that being a robot is good.
32.Nobody uses the holodeck for a week.
33.The Enterprise
encounters nothing analogous to human society in its barbaric days.
34.The crew ejects the ship tailor, gets someone who makes jackets long
enough.
35.Dr. Crusher uses the wrong skin replacing magic-ray gun.
LaForge is white.
36.Someone gets drunk and pees all over himself in 10
Forward.
37.Troi is able to explain her accent.
38.Picard
explains his accent.
39.The crew finds a reason for not letting the
computer do everything.
40.The gravity generator goes out and the crew
floats around the bridge.
41.Troi makes a funny face when Geordi
explains that the enterprise's source of drinking water is recycled human waste.
42.The crew beams down to a planet that requires them to wear space
suits or that has a gravity so strong it prevents them from moving around.
43.An information exchange with a vastly superior race directly leads to
new technology and an improvement in the quality of life in follow-on episodes.
44.An unexpected failure in the transporter makes 17 identical copies of
Picard. They all get along fine.
45.An entire year goes by without the
enterprise encountering any relatives (daughter, sister, etc) of Tasha Yar.
46.A group of nearby spaceships are not all oriented exacly like each
other, in an upwards position.
47.Riker loses weight from the previous
year's episodes.
48.A Star Fleet admiral gives Picard orders that
present no moral dilemma for him and that he is glad to go along with.
49.A crewman getting addicted to living out violent and or sexual
fantasies on the holodeck and having to be forceably removed.
50.A
conference on some planet that doesn't involve running through kidnap attempts
and dodging time warps to go to/from.
51.Any member of the crew who
isn't part of the bridge crew happens to be in a room or walking through a
corridor when a member of the bridge crew isn't there.
52.Anyone who
works for a living.
53.Any horribly disfiguring disease or accident that
can not be instantly and completely recovered from.
54.A space battle
where the two ships don't happen to occupy the same shot.
55.Anyone
yawning, stretching, scratching, picking their nose, going to the bathroom,
taking a bath, adjusting their underwear, burping or otherwise. All of these
things, like the need for money, have been eliminated in the future...