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Things That Will Never Happen on Star Trek

1.A red shirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.

2.A red shirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever.

3.McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all."

4.Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with.

5.An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

6.Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.

7.Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."

8.Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.

9.A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."

10.Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.

11.An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.

12.Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.

13.The crew of the Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.

14.A major character dies and isn't resurrected.

15.The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.

16.McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."

17.The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected to the late 20th century.

18.Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.

19.Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is it, a `Close Encounters' reject???"

20.The captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

21.Some of the crew visits the holodeck and it works properly.

22.Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.

23.The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.

24.The Enterprise runs into a energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

25.A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

26.A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff.

27.The crew of the Enterprise is afflicted by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked enterprise sick bay.

28.The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life-form wearing a funny hat.

29.The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.

30.Picard ignores Troi and blows the enemy out of the sky, in spite of their "distressed" feelings.

31.Data figures out that being a robot is good.

32.Nobody uses the holodeck for a week.

33.The Enterprise encounters nothing analogous to human society in its barbaric days.

34.The crew ejects the ship tailor, gets someone who makes jackets long enough.

35.Dr. Crusher uses the wrong skin replacing magic-ray gun. LaForge is white.

36.Someone gets drunk and pees all over himself in 10 Forward.

37.Troi is able to explain her accent.

38.Picard explains his accent.

39.The crew finds a reason for not letting the computer do everything.

40.The gravity generator goes out and the crew floats around the bridge.

41.Troi makes a funny face when Geordi explains that the enterprise's source of drinking water is recycled human waste.

42.The crew beams down to a planet that requires them to wear space suits or that has a gravity so strong it prevents them from moving around.

43.An information exchange with a vastly superior race directly leads to new technology and an improvement in the quality of life in follow-on episodes.

44.An unexpected failure in the transporter makes 17 identical copies of Picard. They all get along fine.

45.An entire year goes by without the enterprise encountering any relatives (daughter, sister, etc) of Tasha Yar.

46.A group of nearby spaceships are not all oriented exacly like each other, in an upwards position.

47.Riker loses weight from the previous year's episodes.

48.A Star Fleet admiral gives Picard orders that present no moral dilemma for him and that he is glad to go along with.

49.A crewman getting addicted to living out violent and or sexual fantasies on the holodeck and having to be forceably removed.

50.A conference on some planet that doesn't involve running through kidnap attempts and dodging time warps to go to/from.

51.Any member of the crew who isn't part of the bridge crew happens to be in a room or walking through a corridor when a member of the bridge crew isn't there.

52.Anyone who works for a living.

53.Any horribly disfiguring disease or accident that can not be instantly and completely recovered from.

54.A space battle where the two ships don't happen to occupy the same shot.

55.Anyone yawning, stretching, scratching, picking their nose, going to the bathroom, taking a bath, adjusting their underwear, burping or otherwise. All of these things, like the need for money, have been eliminated in the future...