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Actual Headlines

"Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says"

"Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

"2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter"

"Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case"

"Farmer Bill Dies In House"

"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"

"Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents"

"Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?"

"Prostitutes Appeal To Pope"

"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"

"Eye Drops Off Shelf"

"Teachers Strike Idle Kids"

"Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim"

"Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years"

"War Dims Hope For Peace"

"If Strike Is not Settled Quickly, It May Last A While"

"Judge to rule on nude beach"

"Cold Wave Linked To Cold Temperatures"

"Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84"

"Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"

"Police discover crack in Australia"

"Dealers will hear car talk Friday at noon"

"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead"

"Women's movement called more broad-based"

"Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge"

"New Study For Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group"

"Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Space"

"Kids Make Nutritious Snack"

"Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees"

"Local High School Drop Outs Cut In Half"

"New Vaccine May Contain Rabies"

"Never withhold herpes infection from loved one"

"Man shoots neighbor with machete"

"Man clings to life after fatal blast"

"Economist uses theory to explain economy"

"Bible church's focus is the Bible"

"Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years"

"Death causes loneliness, feelings of isolation"

"Complaints about NHL referees growing ugly"

"Man Minus Ear Waves Hearing"

"Grandmother of eight makes hole in one"

"Clock Thief Faces Time"

"Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Sheriff"

"Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board"

"Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors"

"Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training"

"Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"

"Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax"

"Two convicts evade noose; jury hung"

"Miners Refuse to Work After Death"

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"

"Stolen Painting Found by Tree"

"Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies"

"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge"

"British Union Finds Dwarves in Short Supply"

"Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni"

"Lack of brains hinders research"