New Rules for Employment
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing
anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed
constitutes a breach of employment.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early,
provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go
from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go
from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted
time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their
time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must
approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions
comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed
elsewhere. Have a nice week.