Ways to Confuse Your Roomate
lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes
Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then,
one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look
at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
Read with a
flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights
are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about
fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the
floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day.
Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When
your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your
roommate, "I was curious."
Make toast for breakfast every morning, but
don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate
suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find
yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks,
explain that you're not a hard woman to find.
Never speak to your
roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another
room and call him/her on the phone.
Every night, before you go to bed,
beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the
floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass
of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying
gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
Every time the phone rings, turn
on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your
roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that darn hypnotist...."
Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at
your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump
around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat
them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them,
"Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and
say, "It's time to go to bed now."
Insist that your roommate recite the
"Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
Recite "Dr. Seuss" books,
all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly,
directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend
the day in bed.
Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate
doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns
until he/she pays the tickets.
Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at
all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little
buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
Complain that your elbows, knees, and
other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix"
Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate
Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel."
Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
Wear glasses, and
complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your
clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the
room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with
your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with
the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said
Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and
angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover
your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
Wear scary Halloween masks.
Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you
put one on.
Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that
he/she looked like "the enemy."
Put headphones on your roommate while
he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head
crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try
to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon
sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things
like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things
like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
Get a pet
rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and
engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Speak in tongues.
Move you roommate's personal effects around.
Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything
s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your
room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them
at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face,
"They're more than meets the eye."
Recite entire movie scripts (e.g.
"The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
all your urine in a small jug.
Chain yourself to your roommate's bed.
Get him/her to bring you food.
Ask your roommate if your family can move
in "just for a couple of weeks."
Smile. All the time.
dog doo-doo in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk.
Include a list of grievances.
Paste boogers on the windows.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three
Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask
questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under
there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate
comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles
for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania
Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain
that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
Listen to radio static.